I know I have wished you on your birthday with a long ass post on Instagram but somehow, it still felt inadequate to fully express my sincere wishes for you.
So here it goes.
In my life, I have been through a lot of ups and downs, especially when the circumstance involves friendships. During the days of my primary school education, I remember in the beginning, I used to have 2 friends whom I will always hang out with. And they were fun to be with! I felt like we were the golden trio from Harry Potter since I was the only girl while the other 2 were boys. However, not all good things last. Soon, one of them moved out to a different city and that was the end of the golden trio. I’m still friends with other that’s still with me. But it just wasn’t the same anymore.
Soon, he found his own clique to hang out with and I was left feeling like a ‘hoe’. Hanging out and exchanging friends faster than the speed of light. I never truly found anyone with whom I can connect with you know. I just ‘exist’ in any of the group. Not truly accepted by any of them. I was only their go-to friend whenever English assignments were given because I was the only one who was really fluent in the language.
So, on the last day of school of Standard 6, I remembered feeling happy. Because finally, I don’t have to deal with all this fake ass friendships anymore. I just said my goodbyes to those people and went away. Feeling excited about the new school life that I was about to experience in high school.
My high school life was significantly better. In the beginning, I thought I actually found a clique of my own that I felt connected with. Oh, how wrong was I. Out of the 5 people that was in my clique, only 1, just one, that still stood by me all these years until now. The other 4 didn’t even make it to form 5. One of the put a knife to my back. The other 2 were in different classes with their own clique. And the last one, I just felt we lost the connection there.
But how all of these makes high school a significantly better you asked?
Well, because while I might lost the 4 people, excluding the 1 that still stood by me, I gained another friend which is you.
Gosh, you are what makes high school significantly better Baby Bear. After all these years of searching high and low for a friend, I did it. I found her.
And I thanked God everyday for this wonderful human being.
My Baby Bear and Yin. Both of you really are the epitome of what friendship should be. However, as this is for your birthday, Baby Bear, let’s focus on you.
Like I have said before, I found you and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Baby bear, I cannot imagine the countless of times that you have helped me become who am I today. And I am proud of who I have become.
Baby bear, if you didn’t know me before then let me tell you this. Before I met you, I was never the kid who was always confident about themselves. In fact, from primary school up to the day before I met you, I was never one who would stood out among the crowd. I have always been sidelined, and I never speak my thoughts out loud. I will always find a way to blend in with the crowd because I felt so insecure about myself.
But all that changed when you came crashing in through the front door of my life.
I remember in Form 4, the day that I joined the Debate team, I was terrified as hell. Like I have said before, I never speak my thoughts out loud and for me to join a debate team? It seemed like death wish to me. The only reason I joined was because of my friend’s persuasion. She was in it and so I have to be in it too. Though it was a death wish to me at that time, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
Fast forward, just before the competition, I backed out.
Yes, I am not afraid to admit that I was too much of a coward to compete. Debates were just too intense for someone like me at that time. So, when I saw an opportunity to back out, I took it without hesitation.
Fast forward to the following year, Form 5. Debates competition were just around the corner, and the debate teacher has asked me to join. I knew at that time that she only asked me to join was just so that my friend could join in too. She didn’t want to be a part of the team anymore that year. She thought that by asking me, my friend would change her mind too. But alas, she didn’t.
However, that still left me with a choice, didn’t it? My teacher did asked me. I didn’t know what to do.
I kept pondering on this in my room. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Then I asked myself the most important question-
Do I want to leave high school as a coward?
As soon as that question came to mind, I thought of you Baby Bear. You were a debater. A public speaker. And most of all, my friend. And I remember thinking just how kick-ass you were at debating and how amazing you are as a speaker and I thought to myself, “I want to be like her.”
So, I made the bold choice. I choose to join back the Debate team.
Though I was scared as hell, I went in told the debate teacher of my decision. I remember the look on her face. She didn’t believe I could do it. After the last year’s episode, I don’t blame her. But I was determined to change her mind. To change everyone’s perception of me.
I will not be a coward anymore. But most importantly, I will not be the same girl as I was before.
And you helped me achieved that Baby Bear.
You taught me on how to be confident with myself.
You taught me how to fight back.
You taught me to see both sides of the coin without making any judgement beforehand.
You taught me to be proud of my voice.
You taught me to trust my judgement and my thoughts.
You taught me to trust my words.
But most of all, you taught me to just trust myself.
And because of you, I got myself the Best Speaker for one of the rounds in the debate tournaments. Imagine that, for someone who has never voice her thoughts out loud before, I won Best Speaker. And because of your faith in me, I brave myself all the way to the finals with my teammates.
This is the memory that I will forever remember until I breathe my last breath. You may think ‘Why is she re-telling the same story again and again?’ but you must realize that it was at this particular experience that you, and only you, chose to see past my flaws and believe that I was better than my old self. You saw a fighter in me when everyone else couldn’t.
I am a fighter now because of you.
Do you understand now? 2016 has been the worst year for me by far in my 20 years of living. There were many challenges that were thrown at me this year to the point where I nearly lost the will to fight.
I quote, ‘nearly lost’. I almost backed out of life, Baby Bear. I nearly lost to my old self that I was when I was in Form 4 when I backed out of debate.
But I push through. I’m still pushing through. And look at me, it is almost the end of 2016 and I’m still fighting.
Every single time you tell me that you admire my will to fight, that I’m a fighter, it is because of you, Baby Bear.
You made me the fighter that I am now.
“When a character of a man is not clear, look at his friends.” -Japanese proverb.
Read that proverb again and again until it sinks in you. You told me once that you were confused about your passion. Well, let me tell you this, you are passionate in helping people fighting their demons away. You help them fight in their battles even if it does not concern you. Why?
Because you are a fighter too.
You are in a new environment. New people. New life. And it scares you. I know, I understand that feeling. But always remember that you are a fighter, Baby Bear. Do not let people think of you any lower than that. Fight their perceptions if you have too.Do not think yourself as inferior to them just because they seemed better than you. To me, you will always be better than anyone. Be yourself. If you can help me handle my demons better than myself, I’m sure you can fight your way through in your new life.
I will always have faith in you just like how you have faith in me.
A lion is not influenced by the opinion of a sheep.
And if there is one thing that I have to say to you now is thank you. Thank you for making me believe in friendships again and helped me be who I am today.
Happy Birthday Baby Bear.
Love, Mummy Bear.