Dear Baby Bear

I know I have wished you on your birthday with a long ass post on Instagram but somehow, it still felt inadequate to fully express my sincere wishes for you.

So here it goes.

In my life, I have been through a lot of ups and downs, especially when the circumstance involves friendships. During the days of my primary school education, I remember in the beginning, I used to have 2 friends whom I will always hang out with. And they were fun to be with! I felt like we were the golden trio from Harry Potter since I was the only girl while the other 2 were boys. However, not all good things last. Soon, one of them moved out to a different city and that was the end of the golden trio. I’m still friends with other that’s still with me. But it just wasn’t the same anymore.

Soon, he found his own clique to hang out with and I was left feeling like a ‘hoe’. Hanging out and exchanging friends faster than the speed of light. I never truly found anyone with whom I can connect with you know. I just ‘exist’ in any of the group. Not truly accepted by any of them. I was only their go-to friend whenever English assignments were given because I was the only one who was really fluent in the language.

So, on the last day of school of Standard 6, I remembered feeling happy. Because finally, I don’t have to deal with all this fake ass friendships anymore. I just said my goodbyes to those people and went away. Feeling excited about the new school life that I was about to experience in high school.

High school.

My high school life was significantly better. In the beginning, I thought I actually found a clique of my own that I felt connected with. Oh, how wrong was I. Out of the 5 people that was in my clique, only 1, just one, that still stood by me all these years until now. The other 4 didn’t even make it to form 5. One of the put a knife to my back. The other 2 were in different classes with their own clique. And the last one, I just felt we lost the connection there.

But how all of these makes high school a significantly better you asked?

Well, because while I might lost the 4 people, excluding the 1 that still stood by me, I gained another friend which is you.

Gosh, you are what makes high school significantly better Baby Bear. After all these years of searching high and low for a friend, I did it. I found her.

And I thanked God everyday for this wonderful human being.

My Baby Bear and Yin. Both of you really are the epitome of what friendship should be. However, as this is for your birthday, Baby Bear, let’s focus on you.

Like I have said before, I found you and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Baby bear, I cannot imagine the countless of times that you have helped me become who am I today. And I am proud of who I have become.

Baby bear, if you didn’t know me before then let me tell you this. Before I met you, I was never the kid who was always confident about themselves. In fact, from primary school up to the day before I met you, I was never one who would stood out among the crowd. I have always been sidelined, and I never speak my thoughts out loud. I will always find a way to blend in with the crowd because I felt so insecure about myself.

But all that changed when you came crashing in through the front door of my life.

I remember in Form 4, the day that I joined the Debate team, I was terrified as hell. Like I have said before, I never speak my thoughts out loud and for me to join a debate team? It seemed like death wish to me. The only reason I joined was because of my friend’s persuasion. She was in it and so I have to be in it too. Though it was a death wish to me at that time, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Fast forward, just before the competition, I backed out.

Yes, I am not afraid to admit that I was too much of a coward to compete. Debates were just too intense for someone like me at that time. So, when I saw an opportunity to back out, I took it without hesitation.

Fast forward to the following year, Form 5. Debates competition were just around the corner, and the debate teacher has asked me to join. I knew at that time that she only asked me to join was just so that my friend could join in too. She didn’t want to be a part of the team anymore that year. She thought that by asking me, my friend would change her mind too. But alas, she didn’t.

However, that still left me with a choice, didn’t it? My teacher did asked me. I didn’t know what to do.

I kept pondering on this in my room. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Then I asked myself the most important question-

Do I want to leave high school as a coward?

As soon as that question came to mind, I thought of you Baby Bear. You were a debater. A public speaker. And most of all, my friend. And I remember thinking just how kick-ass you were at debating and how amazing you are as a speaker and I thought to myself, “I want to be like her.”

So, I made the bold choice. I choose to join back the Debate team.

Though I was scared as hell, I went in told the debate teacher of my decision. I remember the look on her face. She didn’t believe I could do it. After the last year’s episode, I don’t blame her. But I was determined to change her mind. To change everyone’s perception of me.

I will not be a coward anymore. But most importantly, I will not be the same girl as I was before.

And you helped me achieved that Baby Bear.

You taught me on how to be confident with myself.

You taught me how to fight back.

You taught me to see both sides of the coin without making any judgement beforehand.

You taught me to be proud of my voice.

You taught me to trust my judgement and my thoughts.

You taught me to trust my words.

But most of all, you taught me to just trust myself.

And because of you, I got myself the Best Speaker for one of the rounds in the debate tournaments. Imagine that, for someone who has never voice her thoughts out loud before, I won Best Speaker. And because of your faith in me, I brave myself all the way to the finals with my teammates.

This is the memory that I will forever remember until I breathe my last breath. You may think ‘Why is she re-telling the same story again and again?’ but you must realize that it was at this particular experience that you, and only you, chose to see past my flaws and believe that I was better than my old self. You saw a fighter in me when everyone else couldn’t.

I am a fighter now because of you.

Do you understand now? 2016 has been the worst year for me by far in my 20 years of living. There were many challenges that were thrown at me this year to the point where I nearly lost the will to fight.

I quote, ‘nearly lost’. I almost backed out of life, Baby Bear. I nearly lost to my old self that I was when I was in Form 4 when I backed out of debate.

But I push through. I’m still pushing through. And look at me, it is almost the end of 2016 and I’m still fighting.

Every single time you tell me that you admire my will to fight, that I’m a fighter, it is because of you, Baby Bear.

You made me the fighter that I am now.

“When a character of a man is not clear, look at his friends.” -Japanese proverb.

Read that proverb again and again until it sinks in you. You told me once that you were confused about your passion. Well, let me tell you this, you are passionate in helping people fighting their demons away. You help them fight in their battles even if it does not concern you. Why?

 Because you are a fighter too.

You are in a new environment. New people. New life. And it scares you. I know, I understand that feeling. But always remember that you are a fighter, Baby Bear. Do not let people think of you any lower than that. Fight their perceptions if you have too.Do not think yourself as inferior to them just because they seemed better than you. To me, you will always be better than anyone. Be yourself. If you can help me handle my demons better than myself, I’m sure you can fight your way through in your new life.

I will always have faith in you just like how you have faith in me.

Remember-

A lion is not influenced by the opinion of a sheep.

And if there is one thing that I have to say to you now is thank you. Thank you for making me believe in friendships again and helped me be who I am today.

Happy Birthday Baby Bear.

Love, Mummy Bear.

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~ E-M-O-T-I-O-N ~

A GIRL WHO DOESN'T USUALLY WRITE

18 November 2016 *bell rings*

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“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

Grief/Sadness/Pain/Sorrow/Anguish

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Enrollment in university. The moment when I had to be apart from my family. Yes! It hurts inside! Deep down it kills me! I thought that I was prepared enough to say goodbye to them when they left me to stay here alone which far away from home but I failed. You guys can say that “You are being so emotional” or “You are so dramatic” or “Stop being like a baby”, I don’t bother. For a really pamper girl like me, It’s freaking damn pain to be apart from family especially my parents. I never had any experiences that need me to be apart from them. Yeah! Not even camping! The only time that I had the chance to go for a camping is…

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Questions for parents

I feel this needs to be said to all parents who have their own flesh and blood of at least 18 years old of age.

I am a 20 years old girl. At this age, everybody, including our own parents would obviously think that we are capable enough to do things ourselves. 

But here is the deal breaker.

It is also at this age, or at least plus minus 2 years of that age range, everybody, including our own parents, still thinks that we aren’t capable at the same time.

Now why is that? 

If you think I am just trying to make fun of the parents then you’re wrong. I genuinely want to know why most, if not, all parents have this hot and cold attitude towards their own flesh and blood?

I mean, I get it, at one point, you want us to learn to be independent. However, at the same time, it seems that you don’t think we could handle these lessons as well.

If I must be honest, it really drains us, emotionally and mentally speaking that is.

I mean, you want us to act like mature adults, but the second we try to do so, you treat us like a child? Saying that you know better?

How can we not feel drained at all? We don’t know what you expect us to do. 

It drives me up and down the wall when you tell us how young and naive we are when we try to be independent. But when we don’t do it, you tells us that we are lazy and good-for-nothing?

I don’t see how is that fair at all.

I mean, which is which? What am I supposed to do? What are we, the young adults of this generations have to do so that we are right by your books?

I am 20 years old. And yes, I concede that I did not go through as many years of my life as compare to my parents.
But you also have to understand that if we put our lifes side by side and compare, we see that we live our lifes very much differently than what you might have went through when you were at our age.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could just listen to what we have to say for once instead of telling us how it should be. We have a mind of our own too. Please, please, please, just listen to what we have to say.

And also, do not belittle us just because we are younger and naive than you. We are young. I concede we might not know as much as you. But I’d like to think that you are old enough to know to treat us with some respect instead of shutting us down and demand to respect you, and listen to what you have to say without hearing what we have to say.

This is just my opinion. However, please, if any parents or young adults out there who have some input they would like to share, please do not hesitate to leave a comment below. I really would like to hear from both sides on they have to say.

27-10-2016, 1.56am.

Tick-tock-tick-tock.

The seconds ticked on,

More and more,

On the clock.

A second gone,
A second yet,

In between holds 

hundreds of thoughts.
Oh my future,
What will you be?

The best blogger 

the internet has ever seen?

Or still the disappointment 

that my parents know I’d still be?

Where will I be?
Celebrating at the beach knowing 

I made it on the web?

Or still dreaming away 

of success on my bed?

Who will I be?
Still be the blogger I’d want to be?
Or perhaps be the next Shakespeare?

“To be or not to be?”

Oh wow, seriously?

Quoting Shakespeare?

I really need to fall asleep.

The content above belongs to the blogger of this blog [THE LAZY WRITER].

The girl I left to die

Alright, I’m going to do something different with every poetry-related post.

You should know that every poetry I have ever written does have a story behind it. It’s not something I conjured up in my mind, but rather it’s all real.

And I will share the stories behind it if I feel it could help my readers too.

So in my previous entry, I publish the poetry below to let you guys know that I will be posting up poems every now and then.

The backstory:

I wrote this when I was really depressed at that time. At that moment, everything in my life felt like it was falling apart and the thought of death came to mind.

Yes, the little girl is me.

Universities kept rejecting my applications, my parents’ expectations kept piling up, and the last, yet, most impactful to my mental state is the friends I have on Facebooks and Instagrams.

Yes, this was most impactful because every friend I have is moving on to their next phase in life while I’m stuck here in this small town. Everybody was posting up pictures of their first day at university, first day of their orientation, first day of lectures, all of it just left me feeling depressed because I was not part of that phase yet.

I tried. I tried so hard really, to get my college applications accepted. However, as usual, it kept failing.

And it does not help the fact that I have so many people looking down at me that time of what a failure I am. I just couldn’t handle all that negativity around me anymore.

And that’s when the idea of death started to sound so appealing to me.

However, deep down, I knew I couldn’t do that. I was down, for sure about that, but I couldn’t just let go of my life like that.

I don’t know why I couldn’t do it, but I think God has something to do it. Or maybe I was just too much of a coward to do it. But what I do know is that everytime I thought of death, I was angry.

I was angry with everyone around me. But deep down, I was angry at myself more for letting these thoughts get to me.

So, I wrote the poem. I wrote because I needed to say goodbye to that angry little girl. I didn’t want to just give up. But somehow, I knew that if I didn’t let go of that anger, I was doomed forever.

So, I wrote my goodbyes and I felt so much lighter to get all that anger written away.

So to all my readers, here is what I want you to know.

DO NOT ever give up on life.

I know life is hard. And complicated. And a bitch-

I think you get the idea, right?

However, what you also need to understand is that life is beautiful too. After writing that poem, I learn to start seeing the good in my life rather than the bad.

Everyone goes through their own rainy season, but what you should do about it is instead of asking everyone around you to pray for the rain to stop-

Learn to dance in it instead.

Do not let life make you think that you are not good enough to live anymore. What I went through might not be much to some, but all the same, it affected my mental state just as much as your experiences would affect yours too.

And I just want to say that everything will be okay.

Just trust me, okay?

Shakespeare wannabe

Yes, I do write poetry and I love it. From time to time, I would post them up here to share it with you guys. However, I would post my work on Instagram first (@angelaroselyn) as I usually do. Then later, I would post them here.

I hope you will enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them. Honestly, it’s because of my English teacher (in 2009) that got me to start writing poetry. It was actually for a presentation that our class was required to do. We were supposed to share with the class anything we want as long as it is an article, story or poetry. And since I didn’t really give much a damn into it, I simply just conjured up a short poem the night before, and presented it to the class.

And my teacher loved it!

And so it begins then my love for poetry.

Please, if you kindly may, comment your thoughts on the poem above. And please, share your works too. I would love to read them!

Thank you.

Defeating the ‘Hulk’

Last night, I manage to catch up with my old pal, Bud (not her real name). Anyway, this wasn’t the usual conversation about which boy that either of us like or when are we going to meet up. You know, the usual girl stuff.

But God no, it wasn’t that. She was upset and it’s because of this one particular uncultured homo sapiens friend of hers that likes to go all ‘Hulk’ with whoever stands in her way.

And she just so happens to be the latest victim of it.

I won’t go into the details of what happened, but you should know something about Bud. She is a girl with principles and that she doesn’t like it when people do unto others that went against her beliefs and principles.

And that is what happened. That ‘Hulk’ was doing something that went against her principles and she stood up to ‘Hulk’.

And now,

And the thing about it is that, Hulk has been treating her poorly for a long time. Sure, she can be a good friend at times. However, that is not a good enough justification to continue being with that person.

Here is the thing I want my readers to understand. People like that, like ‘Hulk’, you don’t need them in your life AT ALL.

People like that, the ones that don’t appreciate you, don’t understand you, the ones that have been treating you poorly. The ones where they fail to see you as the most caring and loving friend ever-

Don’t. Just don’t.

Why would you want to be with them?

Why would you want to continue to be with such toxic people?

And most importantly, why would you want sell yourself short just so you can have somebody to associate with as ‘friend’?

Readers, I know there are times where you will feel lonely, scared and all you want is just somebody to be with to chase away that feeling. I admit, I have felt like this for a long time and I always sell myself short just so I can have someone as my friend.

And you know what I realised? I realised that when I sell myself short, people will not take very good care of you. They WILL NOT appreciate you. It’s like when you buy some cheap phone and you don’t really freak out when it’s lost. But God forbid, if you lose your freaking iPhone you will definitely lose your freaking mind over it.

Get the picture?

Sorry. That was bad. But seriously, do you get my flow?

To my best pal, Bud, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD. DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE PUT YOU DOWN LIKE THAT. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF.

And to all my wonderful readers, never ever let anyone tell you or do unto you what you don’t deserve. Just stand up and walk away with your head held high when it does.